Letters to Peter, 4

(My friend Peter has set me a challenge for 2024: each month he is going to ask me a question for me to answer. I want my answer to come from the heart, so I will try not use books, except the Bible. And I will try keep it to around 500 words. Thanks for the challenge Peter. I hope others find it helpful too.)

                             

                                    April 2024

4. How does the impact of family breakdown in our society today negatively impact our church life and how should the church respond as the body of Christ?

There is no doubt that family breakdown has greatly affected the church in the UK, as it has in other countries, particularly in the West, where divorce is at such high levels.

Nothing I say here should be taken as a criticism of any particular person who has been through divorce: you can rarely make an informed judgment on how much someone is a victim rather than a perpetrator. And no one whose parents divorced should feel any shame for the failure of their parents' marriage. 

But, from memory, studies have shown an alarming similarity between family breakdown in the church and in wider society.

I suppose it should not surprise us: the church is a subset of that wider society. We live in the world and are subject to all the same pressures that are faced by our acquaintances outside the church. The same was true of the early church: Paul says of the Corinthians that, among them, some were sexually immoral, others idolaters, adulterers, men who have sex with men, thieves, greedy, drunkards, slanderers and swindlers (1 Cor 6:9-11). 

And divorce was a feature too. After all, our Lord himself made it clear that divorce was allowed under the Mosaic law as a concession because hearts were hard (Matt 19:1-9). It was bound to affect the NT church too. So it should not surprise us that broken families would be present in the local church. 

How does family breakdown impact the church?

1. The emotional toll it takes is bound to hamper the ability of the family members affected to benefit from involvement in church. I'm talking about benefitting from the means of grace: Bible study, preaching, close fellowship with God's people, etc. Children might become withdrawn due to the trauma that they have gone through, making it harder to engage them in spiritual conversation.

2. It will also take an economic toll: legal fees; dividing into two parts, each with a need for accommodation; the cost of getting children from one parent to the other each weekend, especially if one partner moves away. Believing divorcees will have less money to contribute to the work of the Lord in the church and elsewhere.

3. It will take a social toll: how many broken families will be able to host a church house group or offer hospitality to needy people? Even if the will is there, shifting to a smaller house may make hospitality very difficult.

4. And there is often a spiritual toll: In some cases children are absent from church week after week because they are with an unbelieving parent on weekends. So children with a believing parent are denied spiritual nurture from the church. It is a wonder if they do not drift away from the faith altogether.

And how should the church respond?

1. Teaching: Prevention is better than cure. It is vital that the church recognises the pressures that families are under and seeks to strengthen families so that they have the resources to resist the influence of the world. That means, surely, that biblical ethics are taught from the front, on Sundays, and at home groups and other small groups. (See my last letter.)

2. Warning: Church members must be warned of the pervasive influence of the world through technology, particularly social media - surely the most pressing face of the world in the church today. Pornography, I read somewhere, makes up 40% of internet traffic! It devastates marriages and devastates children - I think I read that 70% of children have seen pornography by the age of ten.

3. Prayer. We must pray for our families in the midst of such pressures. We need to pray that marriages will  be preserved in the face of conflict and the inevitable influence of the world. The devil is always prowling around seeking whom he may devour (1 Pet 5:8-9). We need to pray that husbands and wives will resist him, standing firm in the faith.

4. Community: The church is the family of God. We need to encourage our people to open their homes to others in the church, listen to their troubles, pray with them, help them out, play with their children. And we who are given responsibility as leaders must lead by example: The quality of being hospitable is a requirement of elders (1 Tim 3:2). Broken families must be welcomed into the community (and encouraged to stay in the community). It will speak volumes to the wider society if we are serious about this.

5. Confidence: As I wrote above, the Corinthian church was made up of people with very broken histories. But the wonderful thing was, God was still at work: they were washed, sanctified, justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God (1 Cor 6:11). That's the beauty of the gospel. We have all these resources to build up the body of Christ to be the bride that she is meant to be.

Letters to Peter, 3

(My friend Peter has set me a challenge for 2024: each month he is going to ask me a question for me to answer. I want my answer to come from the heart, so I will try not use books, except the Bible. And I will try keep it to 500 words. Thanks for the challenge Peter. I hope others find it helpful too.)

3. At the moment our church membership does not reflect the age profile of the surrounding area. It means we are failing to reach the needs of the younger people, from young families, thru teenagers and children. I am sure this is a common problem but as well as praying how do we tackle this and see a 'sea change' (we run activities like a food bank, parent toddler group, lunch club etc) in people of all ages coming to faith?

 

March 2024

Dear Peter,

I am going to be a bit controversial this month. 

I believe that a significant reason for many churches losing the younger generation is that too much emphasis has been given to children and young people.

I say that as someone who runs a youth Bible study. That may sound paradoxical but I don’t think it is.

This is the way I think it works: a city church attracts a few families, hire a youth worker or children’s worker to cater to the perceived need that their families have, and create more programmes for children and young people. More families are attracted to the church by the high value the church seems to give to children and young people. That is really appreciated by working parents (both have demanding fulltime jobs) who are struggling to bring their children up in the faith.

But this begets two intermediate consequences (admittedly this is anecdotal – I don’t have any research at hand to check):

1.        Other churches in the area see the success that the growing church seems to be having and seek to emulate that success by adopting the same tactics. The problem is that there are only so many families with children who want to go to church. So these other churches struggle and wonder what they are doing wrong.

2.        If you move churches in order to take advantage of the hopping church on the other side of town with its dynamic youth work, what is to stop you upping your ecclesial sticks and moving on when an even hoppier church starts up?

The ultimate consequence is church as mall: you come for the experience, and leave if it doesn’t match up to your expectations. Far from solving the problem of the intergenerational transmission of the faith, it creates a consumerist church culture. (I know that I am generalizing; thankfully there are some exceptions.)

Church in the New Testament, however, was something altogether different. It was a community of Christ followers; people who were committed to each other in their commitment to the Lord Jesus. The idea that you could shop around and find the church that suited you was surely far from their minds.

I think a lot of churches in the West took a wrong turn in the 80s and 90s when they began to take a more pragmatic view. And we are living with the consequences of that today.

Furthermore, it is my observation, corroborated by others, that child-centred churches do no better than those that are not in retaining their youth. I have seen churches lose all their young people when they got too old (or too cool) for their youth programmes. 

So what is the answer? I think the most significant thing you could do would be to think through everything you do through the lens of men, i.e., adult males.

So often churches have programmes for children, young people, and women but nothing explicitly for men. 

But I am not just saying you should start a men’s programme. Rather, everything you do should have men in mind. What hymns and songs do you sing? Do you have men up at the front leading? Do men pray in prayer meetings? Do they even come to prayer meetings? If not, why not?

Men need to be discipled so that they know what they believe and are confident enough to lead the household. And if they are doing it well, the women and children are far more likely to follow in their footsteps. 

In his farewell speech to the Ephesian elders, Paul said this:

You know that I have not hesitated to preach anything that would be helpful to you but have taught you publicly and from house to house. (Acts 20:20)

Qualified men in the church need to take up the challenge of teaching not only in Sunday services, but also ‘from house to house’. In a household gathering (not just with a nuclear family but with others who are attached to them) people can have a more focussed instruction. They can ask questions and discuss issues in the light of Scripture. Children and young people see the adults interacting with interest and do not feel they grow out of church when they become teenagers.